Thursday, March 27, 2014

Established

Having my heart broken (from loving someone for the first time) and my dreams slipping out of my hands made me think things were falling apart. This situation made me insecure and my control over my emotion was all over the place. For some time, resting in Jesus' love for me brings me back to being resilient over important things in my life and gaining control over my emotion. I must admit that my rationalism and the sense of purpose came back to existence again. I must give credit to Jesus, to the One and Only. That even when my world looks like it's falling apart, it wouldn't because from the beginning of time, He holds things together (Colossians 1:17). In this will I be confident. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Serving out of the overflow

After serving today in the church,  I get the chance to have lunch with the Filipino choir members - as usual. However, today, Cheng Yee, my team leader joined us and it was quite productive and blessed lunch. We came to tell our own testimonies - even I realised I have a lot which I'm not sharing or the least writing about it. Both testimony of what Jesus did and personal revelation. Today, I'm quite sleepless then I thought to myself, maybe I have to write some down to settle me down.

Last Monday, a new lao shi was assigned to stay with me. She knew English hardly  but I was able to explain some class routines. Linlin helped me explained it to her. So we did started the class and a new boy came in with his parents. During the snack time, I was serving the children and entertaining the new boy with his mother. It's been a habit to look around the class even when I'm talking to the parent. Merlin, one of the children came from the toilet and washed his hands for snacks. He grabbed his bag from the top of the cubby hole to get his snack box. I noticed a "glass glass" was beside his bag. I knew he would hit it and it would fall down. Eventually it did but before it did, I just said "In Jesus' name" in my mind. God exactly knows what I mean. When he pulled his bag, the glass fell down on his right side. On his left side was David sitting down and opening his own bag for his own snack box. I immediately went to them and sweep the floor. Yes, a parent was there. After sweeping, I checked Merlin and David for any broken glass and praise the Lord, they didn't have any scratch on them. David who was sitting down said, "Miss Ela, I had something red on my foot." When I examined him, the red thing on his foot a drop of paint. I praise Jesus for His protection on my students. But most of all, for knowing what I mean and what I need when I call on His name. Afterwards, I told the story to my head lao shi so she could talk to the new lao shi.

I was sharing this event and other testimonies about how God's grace and Pastor Prince sharing the gospel of grace and how I heard it first from Pastor Jun. But while I was sharing, I can't help realised that I glow when I share and that the passion in my heart is fuelled. Yes, I'm still called to be a pastor. To pastor a church? Maybe yes. When? That's up to the Lord. But while I was sitting there and sharing, I knew that my heart is at home at sharing the love of Jesus to people. I know the Lord has His own timing to when things are going to be and He have His own way on how things are going to be but I am certain that my heart will always find its place in ministering and encouraging people.

So why move away from that path? Actually, I thought I move away from that path when I decided to go to Singapore because of a blind love but little I didn't know, it is God leading me all along. It had been a rough road but Jesus never leave me. I withdraw myself from my family to protect a man. And when this man (of a coward) left me, I felt I was all alone. But then all along, Jesus became a listener to every groans I have, a comforter to my sorrowful soul and healer of my wounded heart. Even when I made my conclusion about "making my own destiny" He had protected me from others harming me and even from me harming myself. Yes, He used people but most, He used His Word. I have no other comfort, no clear words than His Word. My heart learned to settle on what He says. I wouldn't say I'm tough but I must say that I am a victor in every situation because of the gift of "condemnation," I'm gradually settling my mind and in my heart that I am loved no matter what I did or what I am doing.

I didn't stay that way. Jesus restored my relationship with my family (a wrong mind setting that this man  taught me) and the sting of pain from my past relationship slowly dies down. Although, I must admit if ever I see him, I would still like to slap his face. Did I told you, "gradually" right? Heee

Lastly, lately I have been so down for giving up on the chef. I have been lead by my instinct and by the Spirit of God to let go of him. There's just no hope between us - at least, I tried but I'm quite fed up to be the only one trying. Anyhow, we're still friends. I think I just need to get used to being independent again - and break the habit of thinking about him and going to him whenever I'm missing home or missing doing the things I do back home.

To end this entry, one of the things that I am learning in my #gracejourney is that when I serve God, I should serve out of the overflow. I don't mean that I need to "experience something" so that I could share about it or I need to "undergo something" so I could minister effectively. What I mean when I said "serving out of the overflow" is that you don't serve out of what you have but out of what is flowing out of the brim, what is excess or surplus or excess that which cannot be accommodated by the available space. When you serve from what you have (I'm not speaking about talent or ability or money but the revelation on Jesus' personal love for me), you can get half empty or worst, you can run out yourself. But when you serve out the excess, you never run out because what you have is for you and the overflow is for others. More likely reminds me of the phrase like "being blessed to be a blessing." No, I'm not talking about "sowing and reaping" here. I'm talking about "We love because He first love us." When you have known in your heart of hearts and revealed to you like a bright blinding light (road to Damascus), there's no other respond but to serve. You don't serve out of obligation, you serve not just out of gratitude but also because there is just no available respond but to just serve. More like a glass full of water, when you keep pouring water into it, the water can't help but just overflow - effortlessly. No obligation required and no demands taken. Just like that. That's why He loves giving to us and overflowing us. What a loving Saviour!

I must admit that I used search the Scripture so I could have something to share because I need to minister. But my grace journey had been a training me to see God's Word unfold in my very own eyes, revealed, uncensored. God let me experience it - not just letters come out from the pages but these Words coming to life right in front of me. How did it happened? I just look to JESUS. Simple as that.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Dreaming about Mamee

After dancing zumba session at home with housemates, my body literally aches so drank biogesic instead and sleep. I have the most wonderful dream. I dreamed about Mamee talking to me. The dream was about me and her sleeping in one bed. When we woke up in the dream, she told me, "Ile-lay hands ko sana yung puson mo pero meron akong nakitang puting "mist" kaya hindi ko ginawa. Basta i-continue mo lang i-annoint ng annointing oil." The the dream goes on with me helping her wash in the washing machine and then me talking to Mac about Rhema having "3rd" eye while he himself have 3 eyes. And the usual dream goes...blur.  
Whatever Mamee meant, I will just continue with praying and declaring healing, restoration and wholeness in my body. Happy to have talked with Mamee though ^_^

Friday, February 28, 2014

Getting out of the blue...

Blue is my favourite colour - ever! But being blue is the hardest phase to go through in life - that's if faced alone. Glad to have Jesus. But I must admit my humanity. I am still blue. For which reasons you might ask? Ok, here it goes...

Nine days ago, finally decided to ask Bran about "take me or leave me." How valid his reasons could be - like "I want the best for you" - does not deny the fact that he don't feel the same way I do. On the other side of the coin, he's right because we both know we can't be. For that reason, I decided to stay friends with him. Of course, with a condition that he won't distract me from finding a real relationship. He promised but then I wanted to really get over my feelings toward him by totally deleting his number so I wouldn't be tempted to check him once in a while or message him. He agreed to this and I need to discipline myself about it. I just feel sad though. He is still in my thoughts. But as I drown myself with work, forgetting him is easy. However, when I pass the street and the park we walk through, whenever I'm on MC, my feelings for him is all over that sometimes it's quite overwhelming. Today, I'm sad, really sad. It's like I'm going through a break up again. This time this break up doesn't leave me bitter - just sad. Sad because I have to give him up so I could meet the "best" God has for me. I'm sad because I have to let him go to make way for the "perfect fit." So it's sad but then I'm glad. A goodbye is always a start of another hello - see how "emo" I could be when I'm blue?

Another reason is that after looking myself at the mirror, I notice that I lost a "spark" in my eyes. The chef might be one of the reason but the thing is I don't see myself having a place in the ministry at CCC. Don't get me wrong. I know Pastor Bong and Ate Sharon have always have a place for me but seeing how the music team improving without me is quite a rewarding and at the same I have mixed emotions about going back.  As an educator, I know how independent learning is a milestone. I will be guiding them and pushing them to move forward though and I don't see me staying there would make it possible. HCM on the other needs my help. However, with Mac so much lead by the Lord needs to establish his leadership and ministry in HCM. Again, I see myself helping out.

Where do I go from here? Which part will I play? I guess this certain phase makes me anxious about the "how" when God had been patiently teaching me to let go of the  my habit of knowing the hows and just embrace the "now." Actually, God is revealing Himself more to me. He's letting me exercise rest and trust Him with my future and the now since He already forgotten my regrettable past. Sigh. Then, let it go.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

MC Days

MC which means medical certificate wherein here in SG, as a preschool teacher is someone what needed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy, just some time I'd buy myself time to rest - yes, rest. It's the second month of the year and already feels like the middle year...I'm slowly burning out. I'm just waiting for my contract to end on September then I'm out of my recent work place. Still have plans to stay two more years and head back home to Philippines to help mama with her school. I will completely revolutionise our curriculum. Of course, not by my own strength but by God's grace. As of now, I'm still waiting. Like I said, I am on MC today to buy me some time to finish a deadline. I've been on it for a month and I'm getting tired of doing it over and over again. Today is my last day to do it and I am pushing myself to pass it tomorrow - no matter how much editing I would do after submission, I would feel relieved to have passed it.

So what did I do today? Slept until 9am then had my breakfast - a pasalubong from Mylyn who just came from south of Philippines. Then I had my shower so I could go straight to the clinic in Ang Mo Kio - where I've been going for the past two years. It's near where me and my friends used to stay (for two years) and somehow walking there brings back a lot of memories. Memories on how my life had been in emotional chaos because of dating unbelievers and literally take me on a roller coaster ride. Something I would never do again ... admittedly, I learned my lessons...heee. But out of the roller coaster, I found something worth remembering. As I passed the parking lot, can't help myself from recalling where I first met Bran. Yes, in the parking lot. He called me up so we could meet up and he did picked me up from where I used to live. And the rest is history but we are still friends. From the time that we chatted online and met, it's almost two years. And the weird thing about it is, is that I still miss him. The notion of giving him up as a "friend" had been with me for the past two years since I met him. And giving him up is like bouncing a ball on the wall. Can't seem to get over him. Everytime I would say goodbye, he'd convince me not to. Everytime I won't say a word to say goodbye, he'd continue communicating with him which eventually get myself emotionally attached to him.  Ugh! Somehow confuses me. Before, I would respond to this issue like a cry-baby but today, I have one little secret...I just look to Jesus and His love for me. At the end of the day, I became ok.

MC days are filled with a lot of thinking moments and boring moments. It's also filled with the noise of construction work at the nearby building around the building I live at. It's also filled with a lot of "to-do" lists from work that I have to finish and  it is filled with the thoughts of him. Thoughts of wanderings and wonderings like "does he always think of me as my days are filled with the thoughts of him?"

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sundays

I have so many things in my mind now that I can't seem to process them all. But one thing is for sure, I know Jesus loves me and He called me to testify about His love to everyone I meet. Hearing Pastor Prince today reminded me of my "calling". I know, I am still "called to be a pastor." As Pastor Prince unfold Jesus before our very eyes, that calling gradually becoming stronger - just like a lens on a camera focusing on a certain object. I just don't exactly knows when am I going to pastor a church again but I have one particular church in heart -HCM. Eventually, God will lead me the "when" and show me the "how" but as today, I will trust Him with the "now"...heee.

I know what Pastor Prince means when he said, "the more you testify about Jesus (like how blind Bartimeus did in John 9), the more one's knowledge and revelation of Him grows." Being in Singapore have kept my mouth shut about God's goodness. Not that I'm not allowed to say so it's just that I let myself do so. It never helps - really. That's why I'm excited  to go home in the Philippines every time. I love sharing Jesus to CCC and HCM. Trauma from "social network" bullying had kept me from speaking out. In that, I have to declare "I am the righteousness of God in Christ." But then on the other hand, I wanted to share Jesus to the congregation I love and to those brothers I have from the same mother. Yeah, I know, no point since we're in the same family. When time comes, I would just literally shout it out...for the time being, I'll just sit down and listen to teachings about God's unmerited favour - Jesus.

My time will come but in the waiting season, I will content myself with His love. Good days are ahead of me, I see them coming and overwhelming me. I have only one Person to think and thank about - Jesus. He makes all things beautiful, just as He is altogether lovely ^_^

Saturday, February 15, 2014

My Valentine's day

So ok, everyone is into it - I mean everybody including people in SG. "Love" is in the air yesterday, couples dressing in pairs (mostly looking like clones), flowers, bouquets - I mean name it. For somebody single like me, it could be the most frustrating and depressing day of my life. Simply because this occasion gives me a big slap on the face and literally telling me that I am still single. For someone in denial, they will say they're happy and contented of being alone and all those other excuses like I have my family and "they're enough for me". Honestly, I am tempted to be lonely. I feel a bit lonely but focusing on it wouldn't help or wouldn't give any justice to the unmerited favour I had  experienced recently.
So this day is special - not that it's V-day but for the first time in 3 years time, my boss gave me 2 saturdays to work instead of 4. I've never been so happy. Whatever that is, I have Jesus to thank for. It was indeed his favour that got me that 2 days off. Today, I'm celebrating my first Saturday off. I've never been so grateful, never been feel so loved ^_^
And so I celebrated my V-day by giving myself a facial treatment with e-life - which is quite an electric shock (hee) and ate dinner with housemates with movies on the side. Valentine's day had never been this fun and exciting.




Friday, January 24, 2014

Word seed


“Rain and snow come down from the sky. They do not go back again until they water the earth. They make it sprout and grow so that it produces seed for farmers and food for people to eat. My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do.” (Isaiah 55:10, 11 GW)


Monday, December 30, 2013

Missing home already

Monday, 10:23 pm. Jr and KC stayed over for the night here at Papa and Mama’s house just to spend time with me. This holiday had been a blast, one of the best I must say simply because the Lord had answered my prayer. I prayed before leaving Singapore that He would lengthen my days since it will just be 12 days. Time had been slow these past 10 days – I get to do a lot of things. I get to minister to both Clarkview Christian Center and Humphrey Center without rushing. I get to make my favourite mango kimchi a lot of times to the point that my hands get tired from peeling green mangos and my tummy rumbles from eating too much of it…heee. I get to have family devotion again – wherein the Lord spoke to us and encourage us as a family. I get to chat, rant, dream and plan the future with my brothers and sisters – which I missed doing. I get to watch the sunset again from home and I get to spend time with Loreen and get to know her. I wasn’t able to really do the activities I planned for her because she had been sick for the past days which made her clingy and feisty. Quite a handful I must say since she’s a slow-to-warm-up baby. Although, I’m looking forward to playing with her by the time she have improved her social skills. I also get to chat with Keiu and Pong about her and give some suggestions on how to manage her behavior. Loreen is intelligent – or should I say advance on her language and thinking skills. As she grows, I expect her to develop the social skills also. I might make her playdough tomorrow. Fingers crossed about finding “cream of tartar” here in Philippines.
As days pass by, I’m already hating the sound of airplanes because it reminds me that I have to go back to Singapore and work. My prayer is that my remaining time in TPP would be swift.
I miss home already. I just realized that I have grown after three years. I just noticed that I am more listening type during my family conversation rather than the one always talking. I guess I ‘m savoring every moment I have with them because it will be another year before I get to see them again. However, I’m happy to be a blessing to my family – physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I know enablement comes from Jesus. This holiday had been really restful. It’s amazing how God answers our prayers and super exceeds them.
Jesus, thank You.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Count down

As this year ends, I'm thanking God for opening doors for me- taken me to places I have never been and meet people I could never imagine I would

I am still expecting Him to answer those 3 things I asked from Him in the beginning of this year. 

“Lord, I cease from all striving, struggling, pushing and manipulating to get my breakthrough. I rest in what You have already done for me and I thank You that You will bring it to pass in my life!”