Weekend blues

Sometimes it makes me wonder why at at the end of the week, a day before Sunday, I tend to sink into loneliness. Primarily speaking, it just literally means I'm in utter isolation, nothing of loveless sort. Anyways, whenever I'm in such state, I tend to delve into unlikely things. That is I tend to eat too much, spend money unwisely and indulge myself into my admirers' flaterries. Eventually, at the end of the day, these will just leave me empty, lonelier. I'm still learning, no condemnation of being so but I need to remind myself, like that of being a habit, that such loneliness is just a lack of the revelation of Jesus' love for me. Just need to just keep looking at Him to fill up that longing and know that I have a generous loving Father, Who in time, will make things in my life beautiful. 

So "I can't make it without You' means, I need Jesus because only He can fill that God-size void inside me. Yes, I am always needy of Him. Is it selfish and childish? It should be but what can I do if He placed it there and only He can satisfy it ?

Re-focus

It has been a blessing to hear God's Word yesterday at the church. Even when the congregation is preparing to celebrate Pastor Prince's birthday, he always had this agenda of revealing Jesus to us. As a result, many were blessed - including me. 

God's message yesterday gave light to my frustrated questions. Having them answered had me finally relieved and refocused. So what are these things? Pastor talks about the purpose of menorrah in Numbers 7. Here, he unveil Jesus' work in my life - He shines the brightest in my darkest hour and He is the lifter of my head - when I'm down, He aims to lift me up. 

The word for me was "do not spend your best to pursue small ambitions. You are created for greater things. " I have lost sight of this when I fell in love. Not to blame the guy or my choice - it's just that  keeping things secret made me paranoid and wandering...no one to guide me through that certain season in my life. I still misses being guided but the Jesus is teaching me to listen to Him. The Word, not just studied to be shared but to experienced and engaged in has the number one spot in my life today as it never was for the past. Pastor Prince had been a blessing to reveal Jesus to me. I'm learning to be independent with the Word experience but wholly dependent on Jesus. 

Today, refocusing means to know that I am made for greater things and that when I am placed at the right place at the right time, it is to bring Jesus glory. That includes my relationship, career and ministry.  Now I realized why I'm still single - even in my relationship, the Lord wants to bring His purpose of me doing greater things for Him, for His glory. I remember what Pastor Prince said yesterday that marriage focused on meeting each other's needs makes it just a small world...tends for partners to be frustrated at each other. Yup...even when I know that I can ask God for the chef, I wouldn't ask God for him - even when I know God will give him to me. I've experienced what "persistent will" can do in my life. Hindi naging madamot si Lord...it's just that the one I asked from Him decided to give me up. Not God's fault, nothing wrong with me, it's the guy's problem. And thank God, He cuts every relationship that would eventually harm me and stop me from pursuing what I'm destined to do for Jesus. 

I decided not to depend on my relationship or what other say for my security and confidence. It always reside in the person of Jesus and His finished work at the cross. In this I rest and put my hands completely to the One who loves me perfectly, unconditionally and completely. I'm expecting that eventually, He will super exceed my expectations ^_^

Ugh!

Why is it that every time I will bid the chef goodbye, he'd come paddling back? I was with him two nights ago. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. We have a good conversation...about business and what are the possibilities of business abroad. I saw a side of him that I haven't seen before - he's really intelligent and serious about things in his life. I saw how he is passionate about helping people. But then again, that was just what I saw that night . The thing is, I am very happy being with him. I shared how I am attached with NCC and ministry and it don't bother him at all about me sharing this. For the first time, I was open without being emotional about things. Just one thing I knew that night...I was really happy.

It might be that doors opening for both of us is not being intimate but friends and maybe a business partner. He knew so much about building business that I started being curious about studying this arena that I never imagine I would. Oh well...

From here one, still, trusting God to lead me on.

Casting Cares even the minute detail

What grasp my attention from today's meditation for sucess from pastor Prince was that God's love for me is infinitely detailed ...that He is concern even in the littlest event in my life. Just like He knows the number of hair on my head, He knows exactly the dilema am going through right now.
I have prayed for a lifetime partner, a husband (and my list is in the making) for years. At one season of my life, I thought God gave him already. Eventually, he gave me up ...turns out he is not the appointed man for me.
I am greatly encouraged how Jesus gave Brian his partner and how he made a list and how Jesus super exceed that list. Moreover, he told me about giving up ladies which he was tempted to think that they are the one. Believing to a generous Father made him decide to give them up. A week after, unexpectingly, God brought him the woman. She had been a friend and unknowingly, both of them are praying for each other. Brian's word was "if I didn't glean, I wouldn't meet my Ruth." That gives so much impact to me simply because I know exactly what he meant. It's time to give Bran up and say good bye. Somehow it hurts to give up someone I'm fond of - dearly. He had given me a lot of good times but most crying times. Anyhow, I'm still thankful he came. And yesterday, I bid him goodbye. Quite hard to let him go and there is a temptation not to but today, I decided to finally meet my Boaz - not trusting my fleshly arm but believing, relying and trusting on a generous loving Father who can give me more than what I have given up.

I trust in You, Abba.
You are my hope, my strength and my provider.
I know You will work things for me and position me to be at the right place at the right time.

In Jesus, satisfaction is guaranteed!

I believe this one is the answer to my question last night...from Joseph Prince Ministries...

…whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.—Jn 4:14

True satisfaction in your life cannot be attained by the accumulation of material things or your achievements. It cannot even be provided by human love and affection.

True satisfaction in life comes only through a personal revelation of God’s unwavering and unfailing love for you. God wants you to know today that if you’re thirsting for a satisfaction that is deeper and beyond what you’ve experienced, He has for you a fountain of life that will cause you to never thirst again. Beloved, run into His embrace today and drink deeply of His unconditional love!

those moments...

Ever wonder if anointing subsides? Been wondering for many years now. It's that moment that after ministering to people, I suddenly feel so "emotionally" low. I was told that it was anointing subsiding...but how true is this? Does it have Biblical basis? I was told once by someone I look to that anointing subsides so I need to either rest or have fellowship. But the thing is, it never goes away. I did that before and it never did left me. I'm a little curious if it's really true although I haven't found any biblical basis for it - which I must say I need to research on in the the coming "free" week night.

Recently, serving in the NCC choir had been tiring because of different events.But the thing is, even my body is tired, my heart has never been this happy. Tired body and rested heart. And yet today, I am having "that moment" again where after singing, I'm feeling so low. And when I do, I tend to be homesick, feel lonely and can't stop thinking about being left out by someone I really like (which I know I should give up thinking). I didn't do anything tonight but recall all of God's goodness to me all throughout this week. However, writing this just made  me realize that "that moment' comes when I have expectations that are not met. That is expecting from people. After realizing that, I'm ok again. Then maybe, it's because I might be very tired. On the other hand, it can be a longing of having a partner or should I say a husband. In that case, Brian's testimony to me last night about Jesus going beyond his expectations (lists he made for a partner in life) and that it was at the right time and how, against the "tiredness" he physically felt, decided to "glean" like Ruth. Therefore, that gleaning enables him to see "Boaz." Just made me think that maybe I should make a list - again. This time it will be with the mindset that I have a generous loving Father who can provide all traits on my list and even exceeds that list :) So, I'll do it again ^_^

In the journey of perfecting my rest in Jesus's love

Coming to Singapore (or abroad for that matter, was never a plan until I fall in love. Although my leaders had been pushing me to go out and spread my wings, I didn’t go until I was love-driven. Falling in love makes you feel you can do anything and literally break any walls that you may face… (by that, I was imagining a superhero breaking through a brick wall…hehehe). Anyways, I was in love then with hopes and dreams to fulfill. And yet with one word, everything fell apart. I almost came to a “hault” in a certain point in my life that I wanted to just go home and stay at home. Yet coming home will make me more depress, so I move from there. My effort of moving on was exhausting and in the process, I hurt myself more. And yet everything that the enemy intended for bad, the Lord can work together for good.

My learning process had been quite interesting. When all my life I have caught and even was taught to work and earn the good the blessing from God… now, I am learning how to labour to enter that rest. A testimony of that breakthrough of learning happened just this Friday. I had my first two practicum the other Friday and was disappointed about the mark that my teacher gave me. My initial respond is to work hard until I came to a point of pressuring myself and my students which I have observed, their interest in learning declined.  I feel more frustrated but God wouldn't leave me in that state. hearing the right word during the choir practice makes a lot of difference. I am not suppose to come to the choir practice but I went anymore. There, Wendy, our choir conductress ministered to us through music. She shared a word that Ptr. Daniel shared to her about not demanding things from students but empowering them (idea of supply) instead. That’s exactly what I did to my kids the next day and started to always remind myself that since I have cast it all away to Jesus, I need to choose to rest. And so I did. I rested even I have a temptation to panic the night before my major teaching practicum. The next day, things seem to be rushed but all in all, I was able to prepare earlier in the morning. When my teacher came and started observing me, she was impressed by my lesson delivery and even impressed with how I planned the activities on every learning corners. Seriously, even I was amazed how I came up with an idea. I was resting and doing one of the materials when Jesus’ wisdom just empowered me. At the end, I have two commendable marks and even better summary report. All glory to Jesus! The breakthrough was that  I decided to choose resting in Jesus’ love for me and that every prayer I have made known to God were heard by Him and will be answered by Him also. In that truth, I rest completely :)

I love the way You hold me... and randomness

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17 NIV

Some things that happened before make sense now although some are still in the process of working together for my good. I can always rest easy in the loving arms of my Father who generously love me - unconditionally. I have to thank Jesus for it - He gave me all the "soso" salvation.

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From where I am standing right now, a lot is demanded from me. Teaching practicum coming up, choir practices which will be finishing late, folios, boss in town and not to mention practicum folder. But now I'm practicing to always see the supply Jesus is giving before those deadlines.

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I would be hypocrite if I deny being affected by negative criticism. Jesus is teaching me to always look at Him whenever I receive these criticism - both good and bad. So here's looking at Him.

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I still feel lonely even I'm surrounded by people. On my way home from choir practice for the upcoming recording of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a choir team leader who is also a filipino (and who also gave out the neg crit), encourages me that every time I would feel lonely or feel like crying, I should seek Jesus, stay in His presence and sing. Just sing. I came to a realization that this is what I used to do in the Philippines and somehow I stop doing when I came here. I'm getting used to being loud again - in praise and worshiping Jesus.

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A year ago, I resorted to finding a partner in my own effort thru dating. I asked God for a year. I ended up disappointed, frustrated and even devastated. When the year is done, I really heard God tell me, "It's my turn." I just shake my head and asked myself, "why in the world I give myself a turn when I know, on my own, there will be no success?"

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Ok, so it is God's turn. I sit, rest and wait. A sister encouraged me to ask like making a list to God. Kinda traumatic about this but I will do it again. Not because she said it but God did confirmed through His word when He said, "...Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."—Jn 16:24. I know that passage but it never rhema on me like it did right now.I mean, He just delights in seeing me blessed and happy ...heee. So, I will do it again...including asking about a partner ;)

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All in all, God is good and loves me - a lot! In this, I rest and lavish...

God qualifies the called

I decided to attend the 4th Service at NCC after a rehearsal for an upcoming item. This time it's a solo item on a midweek service. Without thinking too much about it, I proceeded on to attending the service. Before the end of the service, Pastor Prince went out the congregation and prayed for us. But before that, he said that if we want another level of anointing, we just need to receive from the Lord. And so I did.

The succeeding days was God affirming this new level of anointing whenever I have devotions, I can experience the mighty presence of God. Another thing was I can sing a "new song" again. During those devotions, I will hear God saying, "Sing for me Lala." I would just reply, "but I am singing to you already." Thinking I'm in the church choir. One night, during the Worship Server's Night, Pastor Benjamin was speaking when I heard God said, "I called you here to serve." Then again, I replied back, "Yes, Lord, I am serving you here." I was just dismissing the fact that God is calling me again into the pulpit ministry. I was badly hurt by criticism and gripped with fear of being a stumbling block so I just keep on dismissing His Words to me. Until Pastor Benjamin literally speak it out loud..."God called you in this ministry. Don't worry about your work, it is there to support you but He called you here." He was just praying for the whole worship team servers but I believe it is God talking directly at me. This time I said yes, completely to the Lord. I just replied, "Lead me, like you always have and I will follow."

The next day, Karen texted me and told me she wanted to try out some songs with me. I know she would make me sing an item which after the practice she told me she would but then the date is too soon. I just said yes to the Lord and here is the open door so I just walked in. The same week, Yuyan asked if I could help them with recording which I said yes in return. I wanted the experience which I did have fun. Kinda inspired me to really build my own music studio in the Philippines - in God's time. I'm really overwhelmed by the open doors. Until slowly after the 2nd practice for the item with Karen, I started being overwhelmed by how inadequate I am and unqualified to sing in the congregation. She just encouraged me that she sees anointing every time she hears me sing and by that I should be encouraged. I just proceeded as the Lord enables but as the day of singing approaches, I was more self occupied and started to feel frustrated because I can't hit any notes. No excuses but my soft palate had been numbing from the lozenges that I took because of a bad sore throat. I wanted to back out but it was too late. I was having a massive stage fright that time and I'm teary and panic-y before the day. I just cast it to the Lord. The pressure went on when I've known that there will be a guest speaker. The rehearsal before the event was a disaster...I can't sing any note correctly. I was already teary when Francine was putting make-up on me. Karen and I prayed and I was appeased. I was stilled after hearing the Word from Pastor Ray McCauley. There was technical problems during the service itself  but I just let go and worship God. After the singing, everybody gives me a thumbs up even hugged me and Adeline even told me that she like the spirit I carry. I don't exactly know what she meant but I think it's the anointing.

Everybody was commenting that I look and sounded glorious. Whenever I played the video back, as someone who had been in the music for some time, I must say I didn't sing the song in pitch the whole time! And yet every person was blessed. Pastor Prince stood up after I sang and said, "I just sensed the sweet presence of God in this place." God showed me clearly that it's not me but it's Jesus!

Today, after watching the video again, I felt self occupied again. Thank God for people He uses to encourage me. Let me quote this words from Christine Caine's new book, "Undaunted,"

"Not me, God. I'm afraid. Weak. Poor. Stupid. Unqualified. Daunted. We don't want to sound like Moses, stammering around in search of excuses. And we don't need to. Because, just as God gave Moses exactly what he needed to accomplish great things for God, he will equip us in just the same way. If he calls us to slay giants, he will make us into giant slayers. God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called."

His every word is the same through another minister, "You are born for an assignment. You are equipped to do it, called to do it, supplied to do it and destined to do it. Just walk through it." (Pastor Ray McCauley).

Actually, God is already redundant. But it is His way of affirming me, comforting me, strengthening me and empowering me.

Again, from "Undaunted" by Christine Caine, "Even as things seemed to be falling apart, the truth of God's love was holding me together. And that truth was: I knew He loved me, unquestionably, unconditionally...the truth was: His love (for me) is relentless, unyielding, passionate, unfailing, perfect."

In that truth, I rest and give the glory to Jesus!

Opening doors

Life has never been this rested even in the midst of work demands, expectations, what-ifs and could-have-beens. And before the day would turn into weeks and months and then another year, I wanted to blog how the Lord has been opening doors for me.
This week, Karen texted me and ask if she can try out some songs with me. I went there looking forward to voice - which I did have. At the end of the practice, she told me that she will think about which Sunday will I sing the item, whether on the 2nd or 3rd Sunday of April. Yes, I will be singing solo. Got me excited and nervous at the same time. And yet the fear of expectations melted away when God reminded me of the Word spoken thru Pastor Benjamin during the Worship Team Server's night. I am exactly where God wants me to be.
Another opening door is that Yuyan asked my help for an alto part on a recording for Easter Sunday. Just a recording not a presentation but then I'm excited about the journey. It will be tomorrow ...so with a resftul heart , I follow and walk through every doors God opens for me. What a "gentleman", what an awesome God!